19th July 2006
Most people move on after an episode or drama in their life, Be it a hurtful break-up, a painful arguement or just having to go through a very bad day. Everyone moves on, no matter how long the day seems, the next day takes alittle pain away, and eventually one gets better. It may take days, weeks, months, and years, but eventually the person who is suffering or being tormented by painful emotions will find the strength and courage to move on.
People move on in different ways, some change their character, others do something about the event that struck their lifes and most just dont give a damn.
Today, I break apart from that.
Mark this day, on the 19th of July 2006. The day I was born.
My life, stays still.
Everyone has a certain point in their life where the line is drawn. The line I mean of course is the line where it seperates YOU from BREAKING. Life to me sometimes is like glass, everyone leaves some prints on your life, be it a print that you can cherish or a print that just hurts. Everyone leaves some sort of print. But then there is a point where that the glass breaks. It just shatters. Leaving broken pieces of emotions and memories lying across the heart and mind. That happened to me today.
For the first time in my life, I got hurted and I didnt feel pain.
I got wishes and offers to party the day away today for my birthday, and it was really sweet of some to wish me in the weee early hours of the morning and even like at 12.00am today. But it struck me today, as I skipped college today at 9.30am and went to visit my childhood companion Kelly Jing's Grave, that she wont get to wish me anything anymore, and also my companion Jennifer Seako, she wont get the chance to wish me also. I lost both of them, and it hit me more than ever that I really lost them. It hurted deep, and I realise I couldnt bear to watch her name on her grave. I left after telling her that I am sorry and that I loved and still love her very much. I know she can hear me.
Shurgging off the deep hurted feelings, I got back to college at 11.45am. I was kinda lucky that the taxi and train money wasnt really that much. And then I got spotted by some friends and I lied that I was playing Dota at a CC near my college and I chilled out with them at AC. I kinda just supressed the feelings inside of me. Then later I met up with several other friends, at about 1.30pm, we shot some pool and played some Dota at Zion CC.
When I finished with my friends at about, 3.15, I went to wait for my bus outside my college. I saw Sue-yi, and it hurted yet again. She and I go way back, and when you hear the story, you'll understand, but she didnt wish me, she didnt even see I existed...I dont blame her for reasons you'll soon understand and come to hate or embrace. But it just hurted. Having someone you trust, and having someone you put feelings into just denie your existance, treat you as if you never existed, it hurts...
Yet again, I suppressed my feelings and went home. On the bus ride home, I was suddenly struck with the memories of Lianne, God, I didnt know wtf was happening to me. But she couldnt wish me also because we turned sour last year. and it never got better and I want it to get better.....but only this time...it didnt hurt as much...and I thought I was moving on from Lianne....I was dead wrong...
When I got home, that is when life just stopped for me. My mother did her damage to me, and my father called me, not to wish me happy birthday, but to play GOD with me. I took it in, and when I got to my room, somehow rather, I dont know how, and I dont know why, a song was playing in my winamp. My winamp consist of 3000 songs, and I left it playing on shuffle. Out of 3000+ songs, the song which meant to me the most, played.
Martina Mcbride - My Valentine.
Why does this song mean soo much? because:
Kelly played and sang it for me in 2005, 2 weeks before she passed away, with the words "I mean every word I sing for you in this dedication"
Jenny also played this song when I was with her in 2003 - "You will always be my Valentine"
I dedicated this to Sue-Yi in 2004, she never got the chance to hear it.
I learnt how to play this song in 2005, and I only knew how to play 2 songs then, this one and another song Kelly taught me. I wanted to play this song for Lianne...I never got the chance...
So, it was playing, and at that moment. Life stopped. I didnt feel the pain I was suppose to feel, I felt empty. As if I could smile without meaning, I could just laugh without care. I didnt feel anything, something died. It was me...
I calmed myself alittle when it hit me that I felt nothing inside. I thought I was being dramatic and that its just my mind playing a trick on me, or just a moment where this kinda thing happens. But no...it didnt move on, I dont feel a thing now, I just feel empty. Nothing...its gone.....and I dont want it get better. I want to stay like this. Just stay like this...on the day I was born, is the day my life just stands still. For how long? I dont care...
People move on in different ways, some change their character, others do something about the event that struck their lifes and most just dont give a damn.
Today, I break apart from that.
Mark this day, on the 19th of July 2006. The day I was born.
My life, stays still.
Everyone has a certain point in their life where the line is drawn. The line I mean of course is the line where it seperates YOU from BREAKING. Life to me sometimes is like glass, everyone leaves some prints on your life, be it a print that you can cherish or a print that just hurts. Everyone leaves some sort of print. But then there is a point where that the glass breaks. It just shatters. Leaving broken pieces of emotions and memories lying across the heart and mind. That happened to me today.
For the first time in my life, I got hurted and I didnt feel pain.
I got wishes and offers to party the day away today for my birthday, and it was really sweet of some to wish me in the weee early hours of the morning and even like at 12.00am today. But it struck me today, as I skipped college today at 9.30am and went to visit my childhood companion Kelly Jing's Grave, that she wont get to wish me anything anymore, and also my companion Jennifer Seako, she wont get the chance to wish me also. I lost both of them, and it hit me more than ever that I really lost them. It hurted deep, and I realise I couldnt bear to watch her name on her grave. I left after telling her that I am sorry and that I loved and still love her very much. I know she can hear me.
Shurgging off the deep hurted feelings, I got back to college at 11.45am. I was kinda lucky that the taxi and train money wasnt really that much. And then I got spotted by some friends and I lied that I was playing Dota at a CC near my college and I chilled out with them at AC. I kinda just supressed the feelings inside of me. Then later I met up with several other friends, at about 1.30pm, we shot some pool and played some Dota at Zion CC.
When I finished with my friends at about, 3.15, I went to wait for my bus outside my college. I saw Sue-yi, and it hurted yet again. She and I go way back, and when you hear the story, you'll understand, but she didnt wish me, she didnt even see I existed...I dont blame her for reasons you'll soon understand and come to hate or embrace. But it just hurted. Having someone you trust, and having someone you put feelings into just denie your existance, treat you as if you never existed, it hurts...
Yet again, I suppressed my feelings and went home. On the bus ride home, I was suddenly struck with the memories of Lianne, God, I didnt know wtf was happening to me. But she couldnt wish me also because we turned sour last year. and it never got better and I want it to get better.....but only this time...it didnt hurt as much...and I thought I was moving on from Lianne....I was dead wrong...
When I got home, that is when life just stopped for me. My mother did her damage to me, and my father called me, not to wish me happy birthday, but to play GOD with me. I took it in, and when I got to my room, somehow rather, I dont know how, and I dont know why, a song was playing in my winamp. My winamp consist of 3000 songs, and I left it playing on shuffle. Out of 3000+ songs, the song which meant to me the most, played.
Martina Mcbride - My Valentine.
Why does this song mean soo much? because:
Kelly played and sang it for me in 2005, 2 weeks before she passed away, with the words "I mean every word I sing for you in this dedication"
Jenny also played this song when I was with her in 2003 - "You will always be my Valentine"
I dedicated this to Sue-Yi in 2004, she never got the chance to hear it.
I learnt how to play this song in 2005, and I only knew how to play 2 songs then, this one and another song Kelly taught me. I wanted to play this song for Lianne...I never got the chance...
So, it was playing, and at that moment. Life stopped. I didnt feel the pain I was suppose to feel, I felt empty. As if I could smile without meaning, I could just laugh without care. I didnt feel anything, something died. It was me...
I calmed myself alittle when it hit me that I felt nothing inside. I thought I was being dramatic and that its just my mind playing a trick on me, or just a moment where this kinda thing happens. But no...it didnt move on, I dont feel a thing now, I just feel empty. Nothing...its gone.....and I dont want it get better. I want to stay like this. Just stay like this...on the day I was born, is the day my life just stands still. For how long? I dont care...
A Beloved Companion
A Sensual Lover
It all started when I was back in F3, like I said, in those early years I was a real bad boy, and a real playboy, but I cleaned up my act when I reached F3. it was because I figured that, that kinda life dont suit me. I dont want to see another girl cry.
In those days, I play truant and skipped classes to go out with friends. And I meet Jennifer Seako at the Japanese International School. Its somewhere near Subang. I spent some time there, its not a bad school, plenty of hot japanese chicks to pick up seriously. So tru some connections I paid a few visits to that school. And at that time, hoo boy, Jennifer was the biggest and badest girl in the block. I didnt really pay much attention to her accuatly, I was with Jade that time, yes, you'll learn of Jade too. I just treated Jennifer as a hi and bye friend then. Yes, I had to know her since my connection to that school was Jade herself and she was friends with Jennifer.....interesting yeah?
So alright, I didnt really bother with Jennifer, I made trips to that school because Jade wanted to meet a few people there, so yeah...long trip all the way there....but the more I visited that school, the more weird it got. Because everytime I went there, I would bump into Jennifer. Be it when I walked around the school exploring, I would bump into her, be if walking into the school with Jade, I would bump into her, infact I bump into her even when I was going to the toilet there accuatly. So after awhile, I just decided to take the time to get to know Jennifer alittle. "hey what harm can it do?". Yeah right...................
Our first conversation, I made her laugh, and we left with that feeling like...its was a one moment thing....the came the second conversation, and the thrid and the fourth and countless others. The more I went to that school, the more time I spent with Jennifer than keeping company with Jade. And the more I talked to Jennifer, the more something caught my attention. It was something that allured me accuatly, as if I felt Jennifer was hiding something from me. Through all the talks we had, everytime she would give me the feeling that something was amiss, that something was wrong, and something was eating her inside. But hey, who the hell am I to assume that about her right? so I just ignored it. I just talked to her and I enjoyed making her smile. And smile she did.
Our talks lead to a friendship, believe it or not, it was only after a few months that I got her number and msn contact. And when I did, I found that she began smsing and chatting with me alot. Why do I say this? because I found myself doing the same. She never really told me much about herself then, she seemed only interested in my company due to the fact that I could make her laugh. Her exact words were "I dunno why u make me laugh & smile soo much, but I like it so I dun need to explain rite?"....damn right
I never questioned it further...and then the day came. She is accuatly the daughter of a Lawyer who works for the Japanese Underground...NO SHIT seriously...her father is a damn Yakuza...and she is kinda a underground princess really. So her father threw a cocktail party for her Birthday kinda in the middle of the year. Jennifer's Birthday is on the 11th of July. Sooo close to mine aint it? so alright, her father threw her a fancy cocktail party and all. And I attended.......not because I wanted to, because Jade wanted me to...I was still kinda her BF at the time. But I shall explain that to you another time. So I went, with a fucking suit on...yes a suit...for the first time too....a SUIT!!...yup...and when I got there...damn I was feeling sooo outta place, because all sorts of handsome dudes and pretty girls were there. I felt sooo out of place just 10 minutes into the party. Damnnnnn I thought to myself "I had to get the fuck outta here". So I decided to just say Hi to Jennifer and blast off, I wanted to throw my suit off and kick back with some friends at Hartamas that day. That was the turning point in my relationship with Jennifer Seako.
I found her, sitting in her big garden (she lives in Kenny hills, NO JOKE, BIG DAMN HOUSE) she was alone, and she was difficult to find. Her garden isnt that big, but there is this blind spot out there, she was sitting on this real nice white made swing. (damn rich people...argh). The only reason why I could find her was that I had a thing for hiding spots and I usually can find the best ones, ho ho ho, and I found that spot because I wanted to smoke......yes I am such a b*stard, smoking in someone's house. But ya know what, all the uncles there were smoking so, "who gives a fuck?". I found her and she was dead set surprised at me. She thought no one would find her accuatly, and when I asked why, she kinda blurted out "because no one really sees I exist".
That went pass my ears and into my heart. And I took it deep, and I sat down next to her and asked "WHY?". She didnt tell me, she just looked at me and said "I'm sorry I said something I shouldnt have said, please forget about it". She really said it like she meant it and she got up and left. I was kinda feeling...sad...for her. And ya know what, I took a chance that night.
I found her room, and I stayed there. I camped there accuatly. Waiting for her to finish entertaining her guest, waiting for the cars to go home, and waiting for the night to end. Jade smsed me that it was time to go, but I smsed her back saying I already left. GOOD JOB RIGHT?. Alright so I waited at her room, because the night was about to end, but it was just beginning.
She came into her room, almost running. She just slammed the door shut, and cried facing the door. She didnt notice me in the room. She just fell to her knees and cried. That hurted me, I didnt know why, and it wasnt pity or anything like that. It just hurted. I left her there to cry for about 10 minutes, then I said "Are you alright?". She went from sad to shocked. She turned around like lighting fast and stared at me. I came up to her and told her "sorry to have camped here, but I wanted to see you". She replied "why?". I returned by saying "I just needed to".
That must have hit her pretty hard, because the next thing that happened was, she cried again and hugged me. She kept crying and I was the blardy noob, and just stood there while she held me and cried. NOOO I didnt hug her back. I was a blardy noob. After awhile, I think she took a chance on me, she told me what she was hiding all along, she told me why I had always felt some sadness in her.
Jennifer Seako: "All my life, I've been living under preassure, as if I must be someone I am not, all my friends arent real, and I'm sooo alone, I've been tru alot, my mother passed away when I was young and guys now just want me for nothing more than their own personal interest. I am sooo alone and I cannot take it, I feel sooo alone, sooo very alone and I just cannot take it"
That was the summary of what she told me that night, and this was my reply.
James Chang: "I know how you feel, having this wall on your heart, carrying a weight, having something go into you and tear you apart, believe me, I understand. I think that is the feeling I get everytime I look into your eyes, that feeling of sadness and just being lonely....I want to help...you're not meant to live a life like this, so I want to help..."
Jennifer Seako: "Help? you think you can? alright fine, you make me smile and laugh, so do everyone else that I can go to, and you think I trust you? you can be just another guy who wants something from me"
James Chang: "You're right...I cant help you yet...but I said I want to..."
Jennifer Seako: "How?"
James Chang: "by earning it..."
And so it began, she took a chance on me. She told me years later just before she passed away that it was that night that she took a chance on me. It wasnt easy thou, she made it hard for me to earn her trust. She would be very bitchy or stuck up towards me from that day, and it was all a test to her, and I put up with her. It wasnt really putting up with her for me thou, it was more of a feeling I had, that no matter what, I just had to reach her, I had to help, I dont want to see her cry, and I just couldnt let her cry anymore. I wanted nothing from her, I just wanted to help...and I did...
It was coming to the end of the year, and around September or August? I think...she called me out, at this point, me and Jennifer were quite close, but she always had a guard up agaisnt me. I felt she wanted to trust me enough to let me into her world, the one where no one has been before, but she was scared to. Years later, what I thought when was right. She told me it was true, she was scared. But around that time, yes, I gainned her trust, by the most insane thing ever.
See all this while, I had to do alot of things for her, like...chaperon her, keep her company like even at 4am in the morning!? and alot of other things....seriously alot...but that one time, yup that all changed. She called me to Mid Valley, and when I found her, she was smoking and drinking, and I was like...wtf? She told me she had problems with her dad, and she smoked because it helped and she had been doing it behind my back for awhile now. Not that hurted because I thought she atleast trust me enough to tell me if she was smoking, I got angry but not at her, I got angry at myself. Because I couldnt do anything to make her trust me. So I told her "Jennifer, if I put out that cig with my arm, will you stop smoking?" she replied "yeah sure".
She didnt expect me to but......I took that cig from her hand and put it out with my arm....THAT FREAKING WAS PAINFUL!!! GOOD JOB!!!!! the scar still remains today on my right arm. It shocked her, and that was it. That was enough for her to finally let me in to help. It was kinda downhill from then on, she trusted me enough to help. And help I did. She began sharing her feelings and emotions with me, something she told me then that she had never done before. And everytime, I would be there for her. Yes I would be there for her, every call, every sms, every chat, I did everything I could just so she didnt feel lonely anymore. JUST SO she wouldnt cry.
That eventually lead to her taking the title as a COUPLE with me. Yeah alright, we became an item....so bite me....but yes, I fell in love with her also.
But the second part of the story is about to begin, in the starting of our relationship as bf/gf, which began somehow rather...like...IT JUST HAPPENED? she listened to a couple of so called friends she had....bitches all...seriously...they told her I am a playboy and that all I did was so I could get something from her.....WTF!? and you know what hurted? she believed them....
She broke up with me, and to make things worst, she acted as if I didnt exist anymore in her life. After all we been tru, she just threw me away....yes....pain...but...I blamed myself, because I knew that I was the one to blame, I couldnt blame her, because to me, if I cannot be someone for u to trust even after everything I did, then I'm sorry for not trying harder. Yeah think about it...
Make matters worst...she got together with a jerk of a guy JUST to piss me off. Yeah, I found out from my friends that when she and that JERK walked by me, she would purposely cuddle or hug him or act really sweet to him. But when I wasnt around, she didnt DO all those stuff....ouch...seriously ouch...but I blame myself...
Turned out that guy dumped her and hurted her feelings, calling her stuff la and he slapped her...for some reason...seriously if I ever find that JERK again........ok nvm....so it was a Saturday, and Jennifer's friend called and she went like:
Her:"Hey James, do you know tht Jenny is crying right now?"
Me:".......huh?"
Her:" Yeah, that JERK, broke up with her, slapped her too, and Jenny is crying now"
*click*
I put down the hp and ran to get a taxi, and I headed over to her place. It began to rain as the taxi reached her place. I know, of all the things to happen, that happened....good job GOD...I got out of the taxi and called her, my hp seriously "rosak" later...but it was worth it. I called her and she was crying, it took me a few calls at first...finally she picked up. She didnt want to talk to me, yeah go figure, but I didnt care, I just didnt want to her cry, I COULDNT let her cry...
Jennifer: "go away James, dont find me ok? just go away"
Me: "..........look outside your gate....please..."
She did, and she found me standing in the rain outside her gate. In a split moment, she rushed out of her door, her automatic gate opened, and I WASNT A BLARDY NOOB at the moment. I ran to her, I held her, and I kissed her in the rain. THAT was one of the most romantic moments of our lives. We went inside, dried ourselves, and we......well....go figure....
From then on, we were untouchable, nothing could hurt us, for we had each other. We did everything a couple could do. From matching clothes to feeding one another, to cuddling up for a movie to a random date to late night calls to surprise roses and teddy bears, poetry writing together, watching the sunset and rise, watching the moon rise, staying up all night long just talking and yes making love all night long also. Everything...just everything...
Imagine finding that kind of happiness, its rare, its sooo rare infact that it almost doesnt happen to most people in the world. But it happened to me, and it was taken from me. It was December 2003, althought we spent only very little time as a couple, it was precious. But during December she told me she had to leave and she had to go back to Japan. Tore me apart. God it hurted, it hurted sooo freaking much. But we made a promise, that in the future we would find each other again, and if we still were waiting for each other, we would be together. It was a mutual thing, because I knew she would find a nice guy over there in Japan, and she knew I would find a nice girl here. But we both wanted to wait in our hearts, it was kinda like, doing the right thing.......how fucking wrong I was....
So she left for Japan, taking a piece of my soul with her. It was alright, I got better, thats who I am, I would do anything to help, just dont help me back.....and I got better after awhile.....
I switched school to Sri KDU after Jennifer left....I went to Sri KDU...and there.......I lost Jennifer Seako to Lianne Letitia Ritchie....
I shall tell you about that when I tell you about Lianne Letitia Ritchie...but for now, yes that is who Jennifer Seako is to me...We did everything together, we were companions and we were lovers...time to time I may just pop in and tell you about the things we did just so you'd know how precious she is to me, just like I'll tell you about Kelly and Sue Yi and Lianne.....right...thats all for today....find me tommorrow alright?
Lisan ya blardy noob, u like reading my life la deyyyy tree hugger....bite me!!!!
It all started when I was back in F3, like I said, in those early years I was a real bad boy, and a real playboy, but I cleaned up my act when I reached F3. it was because I figured that, that kinda life dont suit me. I dont want to see another girl cry.
In those days, I play truant and skipped classes to go out with friends. And I meet Jennifer Seako at the Japanese International School. Its somewhere near Subang. I spent some time there, its not a bad school, plenty of hot japanese chicks to pick up seriously. So tru some connections I paid a few visits to that school. And at that time, hoo boy, Jennifer was the biggest and badest girl in the block. I didnt really pay much attention to her accuatly, I was with Jade that time, yes, you'll learn of Jade too. I just treated Jennifer as a hi and bye friend then. Yes, I had to know her since my connection to that school was Jade herself and she was friends with Jennifer.....interesting yeah?
So alright, I didnt really bother with Jennifer, I made trips to that school because Jade wanted to meet a few people there, so yeah...long trip all the way there....but the more I visited that school, the more weird it got. Because everytime I went there, I would bump into Jennifer. Be it when I walked around the school exploring, I would bump into her, be if walking into the school with Jade, I would bump into her, infact I bump into her even when I was going to the toilet there accuatly. So after awhile, I just decided to take the time to get to know Jennifer alittle. "hey what harm can it do?". Yeah right...................
Our first conversation, I made her laugh, and we left with that feeling like...its was a one moment thing....the came the second conversation, and the thrid and the fourth and countless others. The more I went to that school, the more time I spent with Jennifer than keeping company with Jade. And the more I talked to Jennifer, the more something caught my attention. It was something that allured me accuatly, as if I felt Jennifer was hiding something from me. Through all the talks we had, everytime she would give me the feeling that something was amiss, that something was wrong, and something was eating her inside. But hey, who the hell am I to assume that about her right? so I just ignored it. I just talked to her and I enjoyed making her smile. And smile she did.
Our talks lead to a friendship, believe it or not, it was only after a few months that I got her number and msn contact. And when I did, I found that she began smsing and chatting with me alot. Why do I say this? because I found myself doing the same. She never really told me much about herself then, she seemed only interested in my company due to the fact that I could make her laugh. Her exact words were "I dunno why u make me laugh & smile soo much, but I like it so I dun need to explain rite?"....damn right
I never questioned it further...and then the day came. She is accuatly the daughter of a Lawyer who works for the Japanese Underground...NO SHIT seriously...her father is a damn Yakuza...and she is kinda a underground princess really. So her father threw a cocktail party for her Birthday kinda in the middle of the year. Jennifer's Birthday is on the 11th of July. Sooo close to mine aint it? so alright, her father threw her a fancy cocktail party and all. And I attended.......not because I wanted to, because Jade wanted me to...I was still kinda her BF at the time. But I shall explain that to you another time. So I went, with a fucking suit on...yes a suit...for the first time too....a SUIT!!...yup...and when I got there...damn I was feeling sooo outta place, because all sorts of handsome dudes and pretty girls were there. I felt sooo out of place just 10 minutes into the party. Damnnnnn I thought to myself "I had to get the fuck outta here". So I decided to just say Hi to Jennifer and blast off, I wanted to throw my suit off and kick back with some friends at Hartamas that day. That was the turning point in my relationship with Jennifer Seako.
I found her, sitting in her big garden (she lives in Kenny hills, NO JOKE, BIG DAMN HOUSE) she was alone, and she was difficult to find. Her garden isnt that big, but there is this blind spot out there, she was sitting on this real nice white made swing. (damn rich people...argh). The only reason why I could find her was that I had a thing for hiding spots and I usually can find the best ones, ho ho ho, and I found that spot because I wanted to smoke......yes I am such a b*stard, smoking in someone's house. But ya know what, all the uncles there were smoking so, "who gives a fuck?". I found her and she was dead set surprised at me. She thought no one would find her accuatly, and when I asked why, she kinda blurted out "because no one really sees I exist".
That went pass my ears and into my heart. And I took it deep, and I sat down next to her and asked "WHY?". She didnt tell me, she just looked at me and said "I'm sorry I said something I shouldnt have said, please forget about it". She really said it like she meant it and she got up and left. I was kinda feeling...sad...for her. And ya know what, I took a chance that night.
I found her room, and I stayed there. I camped there accuatly. Waiting for her to finish entertaining her guest, waiting for the cars to go home, and waiting for the night to end. Jade smsed me that it was time to go, but I smsed her back saying I already left. GOOD JOB RIGHT?. Alright so I waited at her room, because the night was about to end, but it was just beginning.
She came into her room, almost running. She just slammed the door shut, and cried facing the door. She didnt notice me in the room. She just fell to her knees and cried. That hurted me, I didnt know why, and it wasnt pity or anything like that. It just hurted. I left her there to cry for about 10 minutes, then I said "Are you alright?". She went from sad to shocked. She turned around like lighting fast and stared at me. I came up to her and told her "sorry to have camped here, but I wanted to see you". She replied "why?". I returned by saying "I just needed to".
That must have hit her pretty hard, because the next thing that happened was, she cried again and hugged me. She kept crying and I was the blardy noob, and just stood there while she held me and cried. NOOO I didnt hug her back. I was a blardy noob. After awhile, I think she took a chance on me, she told me what she was hiding all along, she told me why I had always felt some sadness in her.
Jennifer Seako: "All my life, I've been living under preassure, as if I must be someone I am not, all my friends arent real, and I'm sooo alone, I've been tru alot, my mother passed away when I was young and guys now just want me for nothing more than their own personal interest. I am sooo alone and I cannot take it, I feel sooo alone, sooo very alone and I just cannot take it"
That was the summary of what she told me that night, and this was my reply.
James Chang: "I know how you feel, having this wall on your heart, carrying a weight, having something go into you and tear you apart, believe me, I understand. I think that is the feeling I get everytime I look into your eyes, that feeling of sadness and just being lonely....I want to help...you're not meant to live a life like this, so I want to help..."
Jennifer Seako: "Help? you think you can? alright fine, you make me smile and laugh, so do everyone else that I can go to, and you think I trust you? you can be just another guy who wants something from me"
James Chang: "You're right...I cant help you yet...but I said I want to..."
Jennifer Seako: "How?"
James Chang: "by earning it..."
And so it began, she took a chance on me. She told me years later just before she passed away that it was that night that she took a chance on me. It wasnt easy thou, she made it hard for me to earn her trust. She would be very bitchy or stuck up towards me from that day, and it was all a test to her, and I put up with her. It wasnt really putting up with her for me thou, it was more of a feeling I had, that no matter what, I just had to reach her, I had to help, I dont want to see her cry, and I just couldnt let her cry anymore. I wanted nothing from her, I just wanted to help...and I did...
It was coming to the end of the year, and around September or August? I think...she called me out, at this point, me and Jennifer were quite close, but she always had a guard up agaisnt me. I felt she wanted to trust me enough to let me into her world, the one where no one has been before, but she was scared to. Years later, what I thought when was right. She told me it was true, she was scared. But around that time, yes, I gainned her trust, by the most insane thing ever.
See all this while, I had to do alot of things for her, like...chaperon her, keep her company like even at 4am in the morning!? and alot of other things....seriously alot...but that one time, yup that all changed. She called me to Mid Valley, and when I found her, she was smoking and drinking, and I was like...wtf? She told me she had problems with her dad, and she smoked because it helped and she had been doing it behind my back for awhile now. Not that hurted because I thought she atleast trust me enough to tell me if she was smoking, I got angry but not at her, I got angry at myself. Because I couldnt do anything to make her trust me. So I told her "Jennifer, if I put out that cig with my arm, will you stop smoking?" she replied "yeah sure".
She didnt expect me to but......I took that cig from her hand and put it out with my arm....THAT FREAKING WAS PAINFUL!!! GOOD JOB!!!!! the scar still remains today on my right arm. It shocked her, and that was it. That was enough for her to finally let me in to help. It was kinda downhill from then on, she trusted me enough to help. And help I did. She began sharing her feelings and emotions with me, something she told me then that she had never done before. And everytime, I would be there for her. Yes I would be there for her, every call, every sms, every chat, I did everything I could just so she didnt feel lonely anymore. JUST SO she wouldnt cry.
That eventually lead to her taking the title as a COUPLE with me. Yeah alright, we became an item....so bite me....but yes, I fell in love with her also.
But the second part of the story is about to begin, in the starting of our relationship as bf/gf, which began somehow rather...like...IT JUST HAPPENED? she listened to a couple of so called friends she had....bitches all...seriously...they told her I am a playboy and that all I did was so I could get something from her.....WTF!? and you know what hurted? she believed them....
She broke up with me, and to make things worst, she acted as if I didnt exist anymore in her life. After all we been tru, she just threw me away....yes....pain...but...I blamed myself, because I knew that I was the one to blame, I couldnt blame her, because to me, if I cannot be someone for u to trust even after everything I did, then I'm sorry for not trying harder. Yeah think about it...
Make matters worst...she got together with a jerk of a guy JUST to piss me off. Yeah, I found out from my friends that when she and that JERK walked by me, she would purposely cuddle or hug him or act really sweet to him. But when I wasnt around, she didnt DO all those stuff....ouch...seriously ouch...but I blame myself...
Turned out that guy dumped her and hurted her feelings, calling her stuff la and he slapped her...for some reason...seriously if I ever find that JERK again........ok nvm....so it was a Saturday, and Jennifer's friend called and she went like:
Her:"Hey James, do you know tht Jenny is crying right now?"
Me:".......huh?"
Her:" Yeah, that JERK, broke up with her, slapped her too, and Jenny is crying now"
*click*
I put down the hp and ran to get a taxi, and I headed over to her place. It began to rain as the taxi reached her place. I know, of all the things to happen, that happened....good job GOD...I got out of the taxi and called her, my hp seriously "rosak" later...but it was worth it. I called her and she was crying, it took me a few calls at first...finally she picked up. She didnt want to talk to me, yeah go figure, but I didnt care, I just didnt want to her cry, I COULDNT let her cry...
Jennifer: "go away James, dont find me ok? just go away"
Me: "..........look outside your gate....please..."
She did, and she found me standing in the rain outside her gate. In a split moment, she rushed out of her door, her automatic gate opened, and I WASNT A BLARDY NOOB at the moment. I ran to her, I held her, and I kissed her in the rain. THAT was one of the most romantic moments of our lives. We went inside, dried ourselves, and we......well....go figure....
From then on, we were untouchable, nothing could hurt us, for we had each other. We did everything a couple could do. From matching clothes to feeding one another, to cuddling up for a movie to a random date to late night calls to surprise roses and teddy bears, poetry writing together, watching the sunset and rise, watching the moon rise, staying up all night long just talking and yes making love all night long also. Everything...just everything...
Imagine finding that kind of happiness, its rare, its sooo rare infact that it almost doesnt happen to most people in the world. But it happened to me, and it was taken from me. It was December 2003, althought we spent only very little time as a couple, it was precious. But during December she told me she had to leave and she had to go back to Japan. Tore me apart. God it hurted, it hurted sooo freaking much. But we made a promise, that in the future we would find each other again, and if we still were waiting for each other, we would be together. It was a mutual thing, because I knew she would find a nice guy over there in Japan, and she knew I would find a nice girl here. But we both wanted to wait in our hearts, it was kinda like, doing the right thing.......how fucking wrong I was....
So she left for Japan, taking a piece of my soul with her. It was alright, I got better, thats who I am, I would do anything to help, just dont help me back.....and I got better after awhile.....
I switched school to Sri KDU after Jennifer left....I went to Sri KDU...and there.......I lost Jennifer Seako to Lianne Letitia Ritchie....
I shall tell you about that when I tell you about Lianne Letitia Ritchie...but for now, yes that is who Jennifer Seako is to me...We did everything together, we were companions and we were lovers...time to time I may just pop in and tell you about the things we did just so you'd know how precious she is to me, just like I'll tell you about Kelly and Sue Yi and Lianne.....right...thats all for today....find me tommorrow alright?
Lisan ya blardy noob, u like reading my life la deyyyy tree hugger....bite me!!!!
posted by 21stAngel at 4:36 AM
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