3rd Life Anew
What up? miss me? yes you did...
So today was just like any other day, went to college, had a few test, played a few rounds of CS and DotA, and just chilled out in class as usual.
Oh yeah, I finally am able to join a E-comerce project that if I work hard on, I can make cash...so yeah....
Ok, Highlights for today is that, today I went to see the Taylor's councellar, because the Vice Principle of that college made me make an appointment to see her...go figure...lol, it was because I was skipping class like running water....
Ok so I went it...talked to her...and I came out a Ajudicator for the a Taylor Debate team set to enter a Debate competition in October...wtf right? But its quite an honour for me. I am now like a coach to the team set to go to the competition, the councellar found me interesting and so I think she asked for my help in the Debate thing to work on my emotions....
Good job, like I didnt see that coming, but alright, I'll play ball, because
ONE: I think I can spare some time to be a Ajudicator
TWO: There is still NO EMOTIONS in me, so I dont care if I help or not, and in this case I help
Thats about all that really happened today...nothing else worth mentioning...oh yeah, I might be changing colleges, so yeah...wtf...because my useless ass of a father, I hate calling him father, he dont deserve that title. But anyway, he doesnt want to pay the college fee, so yeah wtf...ok nvm about that....
So, today Yee Lisan, did a good job today, BTW, Yee lisan is my pet sister, whom I have high regard of, although freaking sometimes she can be a real bitch....(yes Lisan, I know ure reading this, and you want to return fire, ya tree hugger)...GOOD JOB. She suggested that we start a like...group blogging thing...can u imagine the amount of stuff that can be thrown into that? with me and her being like identical in someways, like the crap we can throw...omg.com...when it happens...I'll tell you about it la deyyyy....ok what else....nothing else really...another day wasted...good job...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Today's Memory Shall Be On
Kelly Jing
A Childhood Companion
The First Love
The Only One
I have no pictures of her, none at all, because I carry her in my memory and heart always. I do have some pictures of her, but its not digital, its kept in a box I have, locked with a speacial key, and the key is chained to her tombstone. Because for everything and anything, if I listen to the sky on a rainy day, where the sky is dark and the storm harsh, I hear her...
This memory began when I was in Std 1 in Sri KL, when everyone was innocent, everyone was still learning. and learn I did.
Note to alot of people, Sue Yi and Lianne also spent some of their childhood in Sri KL. What a small world...but fate works that way.
So there I was, just minding my own story, and doing my own childish things. When on sunny day, I remember it was sunny. It was during P.E that I noticed a quiet girl, who seemed to only read away. We had our PE out in a small courtyard by the Sri KL library. She would always tuck herself away on a chair near a tree and this girl I noticed always read a book during P.E. She never did any games at all. Reason? I was thinking medical problems. and yeah it was...
Ok note to some, Kelly is accuatly a year younger than me, but she attended the same year as me, why? because she is a gifted person. Her intellect was accuatly higher than normal, and so she skipped one level of pre-school. Yeah, she was smart...moving on...
This girl I always noticed, was always reading away. I didnt care at first, but after awhile, I didnt know what came over me, maybe it was my childhood instinct, I came up to her during P.E, which in my mind, was the only time I could go up to her, because it class, seriously, I didnt know she existed....hey I was in Std 1 ok? I really didnt know my surroundings then...
So I went up to her, pulled her book down, and asked "hey, do you want to play?". The teacher would give us alittle time for ourselves to play before she started games with us, so I took that time to ask her to play....she rejected me flat...
So I went off, I didnt know, I thought she just didnt want to play. But ya know what? I kept on trying...Good Job...the next P.E, I asked her the same question and she still rejected me flat...lol...yeah...it went on for a month or so, until FINALLY she put down her book and said "ok..."
So we were two kids, one boy and one girl, playing hop skotch and clapping hands........its freaking rare....but it happened...yeah...I now question myself why do rare things happen to me? but ya know what, when it does, and that rare thing is ripped from you, it will hurt more than normal hurt...so dont question it...live it...moving on...
Two kids, playing during P.E, yes we did get teased alittle, but everyone then had a feeling like, hey finally this girl who never play before is playing now, so its a good thing. And we played and played our P.E away together. Forgive me but I cannot recall most of it, all I am left with is the feelings that remains. Its sweet and tangible, and warm and loving...
I do recall a few events thou, I remember, we changed our seating arrangement, and she sat beside me, and together, we would study together...yeah...from then we started eating together, we started walking together we started doing almost everything we could do together. And yes, we got teased alot...but we didnt care...I didnt care...There was this one time where I forgot to bring my book, (forgot what book but it was like on something Kesihatan?), Kelly accuatly stood up for me...I was scared about the teacher scolding me and when she asked me for my book, Kelly stood up and said, "teacher, I didnt bring my book". She passed me her book underneath...yeah...she got alittle scolding...it was then that I know now, it was her that gave me my soul...
We spent our childhood together, all the way to Std 3, and in the duration of those years, all I can remember is we had fun, we laughed, we cried, we loved each other. Even thou I was that young and didnt know what love was, I know now that I felt love then. The exact memories of those days elude me till today, and I swear if I could dive into my mind to get them back, I would. As I said, I am left with emotions...and that will last me through my life now and then some...
But it was Std 3, that I felt my first heartbreak...her too...My mother wanted me to swtich school to Sri Cempaka due to the fact that it wasnt really safe at Sri KL, during those times gangsters existed there...yeah...the Sri KL dark ages...not many will know of it, to those who do, you know what I'm talking about. I wasnt left with much of a choice, so I had to change school.
I told Kelly during Febuary, I was leaving the following month...It was Valentine's month...I didnt tell her on Valentine's day, because I was just overwhelmed. She got me a present on Valentine's day, she got me a cap and a teddy bear. The cap now is with Lianne, the teddy bear is with me. I got her a teddy bear too, and that teddy bear was with her till she passed away, its in my memory box now, and it'll be there for awhile...The teddy bear she gave me, I kept it always, I slept with it until I was 13, and when I hit 13, I tucked it away in a corner of my room. And it stayed there till I was 17. The cap, I always wore until 13 also, and when I hit 13 I put the cap on the teddy bear's head....yeah...think about it...
It was during that month, I remember passing Valentine's day that I told Kelly that I was moving school. It hit her very hard, I remember she stared at me, I think hoping to say that I was joking. But No...I wasnt joking...and she started crying in front of me...it was the first time I saw a girl cry, and believe me, that was the strength that I found in myself to never let a girl cry ever again. She cried hard...and for the next several days she avoided me...
I was going to move school when she talked to me again, she told me that she will wait for me and that we can find each other again. It was a real heart stopping moment for me. She came forward and kissed me on my right cheek, I remember that kiss, it was my first...and she ran away after that...and I moved to Sri Cempaka...
Soo much of childhood memories still evades my grasp, but I will remember all of them one day...I swear it...
It was years to come before I ever heard of the name Kelly Jing again...and when I did hear it, I thought it was someone else. I reached 17, Form 5...and I was having a thing going on with Sue Yi, yeah I'll let you know about it soon. I was hurted by Sue Yi, and tru some twisted way of destiny. Tru a friend of a friend, Kelly Jing found me. I am not sure how, but she found me, she got my number, and she called...
And when she did, omfg.com, I was shocked, surprised, stunned, and all that crap. My childhood first love found me again...cmon...say it with me....GOOD JOB...
When matured well, she was really beautiful, really cute, and her personality would make any guy fall in love with her. She was innocent, she was passionate, she was loving, and she was gentle. Shy, but Friendly, Bold but Soft...she was the reflection of a true angel...
I immedietely got her MSN contact, and we spend 3 days non-stop smsing and chatting. We caught up with one another, emotions flooded me, everything was beautiful. I had no idea the tragedy that was about to hit my life....gentlemen, the shit will hit the roof...
I got close to Kelly again very fast, faster than lighting. It a few short days, we already had reclaim the lost emotions together, we felt like we were in our childhood time again. And I realise that I had to come to a choice between Kelly and Sue Yi...yes it was complicated...I was blind then, blind to have not seen Kelly's heart....
Sue Yi had a boy friend, and me and her were kinda having an affair, yeah, and in the start of the 2005 year, it was complicated...damn complicated...ok this memory is about Kelly and not Sue Yi...not yet...
But to summarize it for now, Kelly defended me, Kelly put forward to Sue Yi that she shouldnt be selfish and that it was right to fight for her own happiness, Kelly wanted to defend me because I was taking alot of hurt from Sue Yi, and I was protecting Sue yi then...Kelly stood up for me very passionatly, even taking her words to Sue Yi's boyfriend...I will tell you about it when I talk about Sue Yi...
I made a choice then...I chose to love Sue Yi...and you know what is the most fucked up part of it all? Kelly supported my decision...yes..please slap me...
Kelly was beyond any human emotion, she was inhuman, she as an angel. I found out before she passed away that she had supressed her feelings for me even those feelings were enough to shatter her, she kept it all, because she loved and I know even now, still loves me. And I am without fear to tell anyone that Kelly loved me.
She supported my decision to love Sue Yi, in return she gave me companionship, she gave me a place to come back to when Sue Yi hurted me, and she never asked for anything in return. She held her word, she never asked for my love, but I found out she was screaming inside for it...I hurted her, and till today I cannot forgive myself for it...
In the time I spent with Kelly, she taught me music, she taught me patience, she showed me strength, she showed me kindness, she gave me hope and she gave me courage...she would play songs on the piano for me, she would sing for me, she would put up with me loving Sue Yi, and she would smile...just smile at me always...every memory I have of her consist of a smile, a beautiful smile....just beautiful...
I thought to myself, I found my soulmate, I found a real companion to take tru life........Fuck I hate it when I am wrong....
It was a month before she passed away, she looked weak, she looked pale. I seriously asked her what is wrong, and finally she admitted, she had Leukimia...she was dying...
I wanted to hurt someone the day she told me, I wanted to bash anyone, I just wanted to hit someone, you DONT KNOW HOW HURTFUL IT WAS AND YOU NEVER WILL....alright, I embraced that she had leukimia...
Me: "Kelly, tell me what you want, tell me anything you want...I'd do anything...please just dont go...dont go..."
Kelly:"I need nothing, its ok James, you already gave me everything, you gave me a world..."
Me: "what do you mean a world?"
Kelly: "remember when we were kids? I was in my own world right? because I didnt want to make friends, because I liked being quiet and I liked being alone. I was like that remember?"
Me: "yeah I remember you rejected me asking you to play hahaha"
Kelly: "hehe yup, because I didnt want to, but you know what? I did come and play with you eventually"
Me: "yeah..."
Kelly: "and I never regretted doing that, because after that James, you showed me a new world, she showed me a world where I didnt have to be alone..."
Me: "...."
Kelly: "that is what I mean James, who I am today, is because you showed me the way..."
God...that was...just...emotional...and just it was....I dont know what words I can use...but it was just as if the world stopped.
Me: "then...."
Kelly: "now James, let me return you the hope, I want to support you in your love for Sue Yi, I dont want my illness to be an excuse...I want to help your world"
If you tell me that I didnt make a mistake then, I would KILL you...because I did...I listened to Kelly...kill me...please...do it slowly.....because I shouldnt have listen, I should have choose her...even at the least, stayed with her the way she wanted till she passed away...but No...I listened to her...and Kelly died a broken heart...
Kelly supported me in my love for Sue Yi, and you know what? Kelly didnt habour jealousy for Sue Yi, Kelly even at times defend Sue Yi...yes Kelly did...and Sue Yi gave nothing in return, and still Kelly remained herself even facing death, she was loving...soo very loving...I'll explain when I tell you about Sue Yi...
2 weeks before she passed away, I went over to her place...she was sitting down on her piano like she usally would...she played Martina Mcbride - "My Valentine" and she said "I mean every word I sing for you in this dedication"...yeah...I still didnt love her back...
I cannot tell you every memory I have in the little but treasured time I had with Kelly in 2005, but over the following blogs I will randomly mention them, just like I would with every other...
But this is the final one I can say, on the day she passed away...I was the last one to see her...April 13 2005. She was Pantai Medical Center. I came at about 9.30pm, her family was all outside her room, and her father told me she said she wanted me to be the last one she saw. Oh god, please if someone had killed me then, I would have died happy...I would have join Kelly...what more can I ask from life when she was life itself...
I walked into her room, and god I started to cry...she was weak and pale...and I just started crying...I sat next to her...and fought hard to speak to her without tears...
Me: "I'm sooo sorry Kelly, please forgive me...I'm sooo sorry"
Kelly: "why are you saying sorry for?"
Me: "I cant stop you from being like this, I cant stop you from going, I'm sooo sorry, please forgive me"
Kelly: "its not your fault, god just wants me home hehe"
Me: "but I want you home here with me..."
Kelly: "dont worry, I'll always be with you, you know that"
Me: "..................it isnt fair"
Kelly: "James, I want you to keep on loving who you want to love, and I know its Sue Yi, alright? promise me you'll fight for her...you'll be who you are for her...."
Me: "............................................"
Kelly: "Promise me James..."
Me: "I promise..."
Thats all I can tell you, as for what happened next, it will remain private...but yes, even facing death, which EVERYONE AND I MEAN EVERYONE is given the right to be selfish to one extent, Kelly never was selfish, she never asked me to love her back...instead agaisnt a wall of pain, she just wanted me to fight for Sue Yi..........oh god I'm crying now....
I left the room and joinned her family in tears, the nurse went in a few minutes later and she came out....Kelly was gone....everyone cried...and I walked home...I just walked home crying...from start to finish....
It was later that I found out that Kelly had written a secret letter to me, hidden in a memento she had stored for me, I never had the courage nor heart to open any of her mementos, I did so one at a time, her memento was a custom made music box, each compartment contained something for me, from a thumbdrive to a ring...
In that letter, is was where she wrote her selfish-ness, she wanted to love me, she wanted me to be hers and hers alone....I'm sorry but I'm right now crying and I dont think I can contienue with this memory...but if you ever come up to me and say Kelly was selfish even after that letter, I'll kill you...I swear I'll kill you...
Kelly was beautiful, she was my world...and I will keep the promise I made to her, in her memory...
I dont expect you to feel what I feel, or to have understood how Kelly was, but if you would just take one moment and think about it....what do you think of Kelly? to be able to do the things she did...
On a rainny day, then lighting and thunder strikes, listen carefully...you'd hear her...because when I spent time with her when she was alive, she as afraid of lighting and thunder accuatly, and one day we spent together, lighting and thunder visited us. I held her in my arms and I kissed her forehead and told her that everything is fine...and she replied "yeah, now that you are here, everything is..."
She whispered when a thunder striked : "Hear my heart...."
So during a storm...you'd hear her if you listen...Everyone that knew her...Loved Her...she WAS that much of an angel...she was just too young...its god damn not fair...not fair at all........
So today was just like any other day, went to college, had a few test, played a few rounds of CS and DotA, and just chilled out in class as usual.
Oh yeah, I finally am able to join a E-comerce project that if I work hard on, I can make cash...so yeah....
Ok, Highlights for today is that, today I went to see the Taylor's councellar, because the Vice Principle of that college made me make an appointment to see her...go figure...lol, it was because I was skipping class like running water....
Ok so I went it...talked to her...and I came out a Ajudicator for the a Taylor Debate team set to enter a Debate competition in October...wtf right? But its quite an honour for me. I am now like a coach to the team set to go to the competition, the councellar found me interesting and so I think she asked for my help in the Debate thing to work on my emotions....
Good job, like I didnt see that coming, but alright, I'll play ball, because
ONE: I think I can spare some time to be a Ajudicator
TWO: There is still NO EMOTIONS in me, so I dont care if I help or not, and in this case I help
Thats about all that really happened today...nothing else worth mentioning...oh yeah, I might be changing colleges, so yeah...wtf...because my useless ass of a father, I hate calling him father, he dont deserve that title. But anyway, he doesnt want to pay the college fee, so yeah wtf...ok nvm about that....
So, today Yee Lisan, did a good job today, BTW, Yee lisan is my pet sister, whom I have high regard of, although freaking sometimes she can be a real bitch....(yes Lisan, I know ure reading this, and you want to return fire, ya tree hugger)...GOOD JOB. She suggested that we start a like...group blogging thing...can u imagine the amount of stuff that can be thrown into that? with me and her being like identical in someways, like the crap we can throw...omg.com...when it happens...I'll tell you about it la deyyyy....ok what else....nothing else really...another day wasted...good job...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Today's Memory Shall Be On
Kelly Jing
A Childhood Companion
The First Love
The Only One
I have no pictures of her, none at all, because I carry her in my memory and heart always. I do have some pictures of her, but its not digital, its kept in a box I have, locked with a speacial key, and the key is chained to her tombstone. Because for everything and anything, if I listen to the sky on a rainy day, where the sky is dark and the storm harsh, I hear her...
This memory began when I was in Std 1 in Sri KL, when everyone was innocent, everyone was still learning. and learn I did.
Note to alot of people, Sue Yi and Lianne also spent some of their childhood in Sri KL. What a small world...but fate works that way.
So there I was, just minding my own story, and doing my own childish things. When on sunny day, I remember it was sunny. It was during P.E that I noticed a quiet girl, who seemed to only read away. We had our PE out in a small courtyard by the Sri KL library. She would always tuck herself away on a chair near a tree and this girl I noticed always read a book during P.E. She never did any games at all. Reason? I was thinking medical problems. and yeah it was...
Ok note to some, Kelly is accuatly a year younger than me, but she attended the same year as me, why? because she is a gifted person. Her intellect was accuatly higher than normal, and so she skipped one level of pre-school. Yeah, she was smart...moving on...
This girl I always noticed, was always reading away. I didnt care at first, but after awhile, I didnt know what came over me, maybe it was my childhood instinct, I came up to her during P.E, which in my mind, was the only time I could go up to her, because it class, seriously, I didnt know she existed....hey I was in Std 1 ok? I really didnt know my surroundings then...
So I went up to her, pulled her book down, and asked "hey, do you want to play?". The teacher would give us alittle time for ourselves to play before she started games with us, so I took that time to ask her to play....she rejected me flat...
So I went off, I didnt know, I thought she just didnt want to play. But ya know what? I kept on trying...Good Job...the next P.E, I asked her the same question and she still rejected me flat...lol...yeah...it went on for a month or so, until FINALLY she put down her book and said "ok..."
So we were two kids, one boy and one girl, playing hop skotch and clapping hands........its freaking rare....but it happened...yeah...I now question myself why do rare things happen to me? but ya know what, when it does, and that rare thing is ripped from you, it will hurt more than normal hurt...so dont question it...live it...moving on...
Two kids, playing during P.E, yes we did get teased alittle, but everyone then had a feeling like, hey finally this girl who never play before is playing now, so its a good thing. And we played and played our P.E away together. Forgive me but I cannot recall most of it, all I am left with is the feelings that remains. Its sweet and tangible, and warm and loving...
I do recall a few events thou, I remember, we changed our seating arrangement, and she sat beside me, and together, we would study together...yeah...from then we started eating together, we started walking together we started doing almost everything we could do together. And yes, we got teased alot...but we didnt care...I didnt care...There was this one time where I forgot to bring my book, (forgot what book but it was like on something Kesihatan?), Kelly accuatly stood up for me...I was scared about the teacher scolding me and when she asked me for my book, Kelly stood up and said, "teacher, I didnt bring my book". She passed me her book underneath...yeah...she got alittle scolding...it was then that I know now, it was her that gave me my soul...
We spent our childhood together, all the way to Std 3, and in the duration of those years, all I can remember is we had fun, we laughed, we cried, we loved each other. Even thou I was that young and didnt know what love was, I know now that I felt love then. The exact memories of those days elude me till today, and I swear if I could dive into my mind to get them back, I would. As I said, I am left with emotions...and that will last me through my life now and then some...
But it was Std 3, that I felt my first heartbreak...her too...My mother wanted me to swtich school to Sri Cempaka due to the fact that it wasnt really safe at Sri KL, during those times gangsters existed there...yeah...the Sri KL dark ages...not many will know of it, to those who do, you know what I'm talking about. I wasnt left with much of a choice, so I had to change school.
I told Kelly during Febuary, I was leaving the following month...It was Valentine's month...I didnt tell her on Valentine's day, because I was just overwhelmed. She got me a present on Valentine's day, she got me a cap and a teddy bear. The cap now is with Lianne, the teddy bear is with me. I got her a teddy bear too, and that teddy bear was with her till she passed away, its in my memory box now, and it'll be there for awhile...The teddy bear she gave me, I kept it always, I slept with it until I was 13, and when I hit 13, I tucked it away in a corner of my room. And it stayed there till I was 17. The cap, I always wore until 13 also, and when I hit 13 I put the cap on the teddy bear's head....yeah...think about it...
It was during that month, I remember passing Valentine's day that I told Kelly that I was moving school. It hit her very hard, I remember she stared at me, I think hoping to say that I was joking. But No...I wasnt joking...and she started crying in front of me...it was the first time I saw a girl cry, and believe me, that was the strength that I found in myself to never let a girl cry ever again. She cried hard...and for the next several days she avoided me...
I was going to move school when she talked to me again, she told me that she will wait for me and that we can find each other again. It was a real heart stopping moment for me. She came forward and kissed me on my right cheek, I remember that kiss, it was my first...and she ran away after that...and I moved to Sri Cempaka...
Soo much of childhood memories still evades my grasp, but I will remember all of them one day...I swear it...
It was years to come before I ever heard of the name Kelly Jing again...and when I did hear it, I thought it was someone else. I reached 17, Form 5...and I was having a thing going on with Sue Yi, yeah I'll let you know about it soon. I was hurted by Sue Yi, and tru some twisted way of destiny. Tru a friend of a friend, Kelly Jing found me. I am not sure how, but she found me, she got my number, and she called...
And when she did, omfg.com, I was shocked, surprised, stunned, and all that crap. My childhood first love found me again...cmon...say it with me....GOOD JOB...
When matured well, she was really beautiful, really cute, and her personality would make any guy fall in love with her. She was innocent, she was passionate, she was loving, and she was gentle. Shy, but Friendly, Bold but Soft...she was the reflection of a true angel...
I immedietely got her MSN contact, and we spend 3 days non-stop smsing and chatting. We caught up with one another, emotions flooded me, everything was beautiful. I had no idea the tragedy that was about to hit my life....gentlemen, the shit will hit the roof...
I got close to Kelly again very fast, faster than lighting. It a few short days, we already had reclaim the lost emotions together, we felt like we were in our childhood time again. And I realise that I had to come to a choice between Kelly and Sue Yi...yes it was complicated...I was blind then, blind to have not seen Kelly's heart....
Sue Yi had a boy friend, and me and her were kinda having an affair, yeah, and in the start of the 2005 year, it was complicated...damn complicated...ok this memory is about Kelly and not Sue Yi...not yet...
But to summarize it for now, Kelly defended me, Kelly put forward to Sue Yi that she shouldnt be selfish and that it was right to fight for her own happiness, Kelly wanted to defend me because I was taking alot of hurt from Sue Yi, and I was protecting Sue yi then...Kelly stood up for me very passionatly, even taking her words to Sue Yi's boyfriend...I will tell you about it when I talk about Sue Yi...
I made a choice then...I chose to love Sue Yi...and you know what is the most fucked up part of it all? Kelly supported my decision...yes..please slap me...
Kelly was beyond any human emotion, she was inhuman, she as an angel. I found out before she passed away that she had supressed her feelings for me even those feelings were enough to shatter her, she kept it all, because she loved and I know even now, still loves me. And I am without fear to tell anyone that Kelly loved me.
She supported my decision to love Sue Yi, in return she gave me companionship, she gave me a place to come back to when Sue Yi hurted me, and she never asked for anything in return. She held her word, she never asked for my love, but I found out she was screaming inside for it...I hurted her, and till today I cannot forgive myself for it...
In the time I spent with Kelly, she taught me music, she taught me patience, she showed me strength, she showed me kindness, she gave me hope and she gave me courage...she would play songs on the piano for me, she would sing for me, she would put up with me loving Sue Yi, and she would smile...just smile at me always...every memory I have of her consist of a smile, a beautiful smile....just beautiful...
I thought to myself, I found my soulmate, I found a real companion to take tru life........Fuck I hate it when I am wrong....
It was a month before she passed away, she looked weak, she looked pale. I seriously asked her what is wrong, and finally she admitted, she had Leukimia...she was dying...
I wanted to hurt someone the day she told me, I wanted to bash anyone, I just wanted to hit someone, you DONT KNOW HOW HURTFUL IT WAS AND YOU NEVER WILL....alright, I embraced that she had leukimia...
Me: "Kelly, tell me what you want, tell me anything you want...I'd do anything...please just dont go...dont go..."
Kelly:"I need nothing, its ok James, you already gave me everything, you gave me a world..."
Me: "what do you mean a world?"
Kelly: "remember when we were kids? I was in my own world right? because I didnt want to make friends, because I liked being quiet and I liked being alone. I was like that remember?"
Me: "yeah I remember you rejected me asking you to play hahaha"
Kelly: "hehe yup, because I didnt want to, but you know what? I did come and play with you eventually"
Me: "yeah..."
Kelly: "and I never regretted doing that, because after that James, you showed me a new world, she showed me a world where I didnt have to be alone..."
Me: "...."
Kelly: "that is what I mean James, who I am today, is because you showed me the way..."
God...that was...just...emotional...and just it was....I dont know what words I can use...but it was just as if the world stopped.
Me: "then...."
Kelly: "now James, let me return you the hope, I want to support you in your love for Sue Yi, I dont want my illness to be an excuse...I want to help your world"
If you tell me that I didnt make a mistake then, I would KILL you...because I did...I listened to Kelly...kill me...please...do it slowly.....because I shouldnt have listen, I should have choose her...even at the least, stayed with her the way she wanted till she passed away...but No...I listened to her...and Kelly died a broken heart...
Kelly supported me in my love for Sue Yi, and you know what? Kelly didnt habour jealousy for Sue Yi, Kelly even at times defend Sue Yi...yes Kelly did...and Sue Yi gave nothing in return, and still Kelly remained herself even facing death, she was loving...soo very loving...I'll explain when I tell you about Sue Yi...
2 weeks before she passed away, I went over to her place...she was sitting down on her piano like she usally would...she played Martina Mcbride - "My Valentine" and she said "I mean every word I sing for you in this dedication"...yeah...I still didnt love her back...
I cannot tell you every memory I have in the little but treasured time I had with Kelly in 2005, but over the following blogs I will randomly mention them, just like I would with every other...
But this is the final one I can say, on the day she passed away...I was the last one to see her...April 13 2005. She was Pantai Medical Center. I came at about 9.30pm, her family was all outside her room, and her father told me she said she wanted me to be the last one she saw. Oh god, please if someone had killed me then, I would have died happy...I would have join Kelly...what more can I ask from life when she was life itself...
I walked into her room, and god I started to cry...she was weak and pale...and I just started crying...I sat next to her...and fought hard to speak to her without tears...
Me: "I'm sooo sorry Kelly, please forgive me...I'm sooo sorry"
Kelly: "why are you saying sorry for?"
Me: "I cant stop you from being like this, I cant stop you from going, I'm sooo sorry, please forgive me"
Kelly: "its not your fault, god just wants me home hehe"
Me: "but I want you home here with me..."
Kelly: "dont worry, I'll always be with you, you know that"
Me: "..................it isnt fair"
Kelly: "James, I want you to keep on loving who you want to love, and I know its Sue Yi, alright? promise me you'll fight for her...you'll be who you are for her...."
Me: "............................................"
Kelly: "Promise me James..."
Me: "I promise..."
Thats all I can tell you, as for what happened next, it will remain private...but yes, even facing death, which EVERYONE AND I MEAN EVERYONE is given the right to be selfish to one extent, Kelly never was selfish, she never asked me to love her back...instead agaisnt a wall of pain, she just wanted me to fight for Sue Yi..........oh god I'm crying now....
I left the room and joinned her family in tears, the nurse went in a few minutes later and she came out....Kelly was gone....everyone cried...and I walked home...I just walked home crying...from start to finish....
It was later that I found out that Kelly had written a secret letter to me, hidden in a memento she had stored for me, I never had the courage nor heart to open any of her mementos, I did so one at a time, her memento was a custom made music box, each compartment contained something for me, from a thumbdrive to a ring...
In that letter, is was where she wrote her selfish-ness, she wanted to love me, she wanted me to be hers and hers alone....I'm sorry but I'm right now crying and I dont think I can contienue with this memory...but if you ever come up to me and say Kelly was selfish even after that letter, I'll kill you...I swear I'll kill you...
Kelly was beautiful, she was my world...and I will keep the promise I made to her, in her memory...
I dont expect you to feel what I feel, or to have understood how Kelly was, but if you would just take one moment and think about it....what do you think of Kelly? to be able to do the things she did...
On a rainny day, then lighting and thunder strikes, listen carefully...you'd hear her...because when I spent time with her when she was alive, she as afraid of lighting and thunder accuatly, and one day we spent together, lighting and thunder visited us. I held her in my arms and I kissed her forehead and told her that everything is fine...and she replied "yeah, now that you are here, everything is..."
She whispered when a thunder striked : "Hear my heart...."
So during a storm...you'd hear her if you listen...Everyone that knew her...Loved Her...she WAS that much of an angel...she was just too young...its god damn not fair...not fair at all........
posted by 21stAngel at 5:41 AM
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