Nightingale Lullaby
Hello guys, hello gurls...
Well, I'm into my break from college, and I decided to finally take up driving, I attended the Malaysian laws for the road today, it was 5 freaking hours...but it was good...
Other than that, nothing else happened today...still breathing...
I take some time now to tell you why I didnt blog for quite some time...it is because I lack the strength to write my memories down...and within the past few days, I had to try and protect what little smile a daughter has left within herself.
I wish to dedicate this post to Samantha who is now, 8 years old. And Jade who is 15 years old today.
When I was younger, I used to take some jobs to earn some money, one job was babysitting. Now babysitting is kinda rare in Malaysia, if ya didnt know...but I did it. I enjoy the company of children, and maybe...just maybe I am blessed with a small gift of seeing joy in their eyes. To those who have children or have brothers and sisters who are much younger than you are, I know that sometimes they can get up on your nerves and they can really get outta hand, I had my share of mischeif and mayhem a child can cause, but always I seem to enjoy time and patience with them.
I have never came across a child I could not share a smile with...
Samantha is one of the children I babysat for a time when she was 6 years old. She has an older sister who then was 13. Samantha lost her mother when she was 4, her mother passed away of cancer, and now Samantha has lost her father, and she is only 8 years old. Her father also passed away of cancer. Her sister, Jade is trying very hard to be a big sister, and I can see the strength she shows everyday that she is someone beyond that of normal faith. I will tell you about all of this in my later writing within this post...
When Samantha was 6 she attended pre-school while her sister attended high school. Samantha would be home early but her father had to work, so I was hired to take care of Samatha during the evenings. Her father knew me because his friend's son was my close friend. By someway somehow, my close friend told his father that I was good with children, and he related it to his father and his father to Samantha's father...good job...what a world...
Samantha was a very quiet child, and it is not a secret to why. Having someone that young lose a mother can be destructive to a soul, what more...a soul of a child. I be-friended Jade, while I was babysitting Samantha for the first time or so, I didnt have much luck I thought in babysitting Samantha, she was a very very good girl, she already knew how to take care of herself very well. She didnt need most guidance nor pampering, and she was already very mature for her age.
Jade had told me then that Samantha has very independant. In school she had little friends, because she laughed very little and what more, talked very little. Her teachers in her school, tried to help her, but Samantha wasnt the type of child that had innocence in her anymore. She was not the type to just forget the pain she carried, and so, I think the teachers in her pre-school didnt help her much, rather couldnt help her much.
Jade herself was also quite independant, but she could control what pain she hid within herself. She had friends, and she seemed to be very much in control of her heart, it painned me to see Jade learn to have this strength to control her emotions at that young an age, no teenager should have to walk that kind of road. But I respected her, because she shared with her that she wanted to be someone that Samantha and her father could rely on in the absence of her mother. And that she knew in her heart her mother was watching over them. I cannot tell you how much I respect and admire Jade, someone like this, you only find in the movies and storybooks.
So I babysat Samantha, for a month. Sometimes her sister could come home from school, so I didnt babysat her all the time, but maybe 1 or 2 times a week, usually over Saturday or Friday. Over the course of the first month, I tried my best to babysit Samantha, but Samantha seemed to be able to take care of herself! and I didnt have to do anything really. So I thought that I wasnt really needed, so after a month I told Samantha's father that maybe my service isnt really needed, Jade eavesdropped on my conversation with her dad, and she told Samantha that I wasnt going to babysit her anymore. I thought it was good news to Samantha, because ya know...Samantha seemed to like being alone more than in anyone's company. That BACKFIRED.
Jade came up to me the next time I came over, which was to be the LAST time I came over to babysit Samantha, Jade purposely waited for me to arrive,she skipped her extra class or something like that on friday just to see me and she came up to be and told me something I never expected to hear. "Samantha told me that she doesnt want you to stop babysitting her, that she really likes you to keep on babysitting her" that was what Jade told me. And I was just dumb as a rock there, staring at her. I asked "huh? what?" Jade then told me that she eavesdropped on my conversation with her father and told Samantha of my quitting. Samantha immediately told her that she didnt want me to stop and that she liked me to babysit her. Boy...Samantha sure didnt show it...
Jade told me to ask Samantha herself, and I was like "huh? oh...urmm ok?". Then Jade rushed off the school, and so I entered the house...and I felt somekinda preassure on my heart, ya know...being nervous and all, when I saw Samantha, she looked at me and I looked at her...it was one of those cute awkard moments between and older person and a cute wise child. Samantha made the first move..."Are you leaving?"...I countered attack..."Do you want me to?"...she made the killer move...she shooked her head and said "no"...bare in FREAKING mind that she is only 6...yeah think about it...what a wonderful world...
Things changed between me and Samantha then, she began to open up to me more, she started talking to me, and I really meant talking. She wasnt sooo quiet anymore, she began to try and throw words to talk to me. I could see she was trying, and so I tried harder on my part. And as if pushing away rubble and dust, a friendship was born. One between an old bear and a young kitten. That was what she called me, Bear Bear Kor Kor, kor kor meaning brother. I called her Kitten Mui Mui. Mui Mui meaning little sister. Amazing things happened while I became close to Samantha, her sister would report that Samantha was slowly improving, that she was more cheerful, and more happy, and most touching of all, that she began to smile alot more.
I would do everything to make Samantha smile, be it walking some distance to get her ice-cream or reading stories to her. Jade told me that Samantha's favourite past-time was to listen to me read her stories. And when I read her stories I would really act out the scenes in her books, you gotta use your imagination for that one...
Things contienued for atime like this, while I hid this secret that I was babysitting Samantha from almost everyone I knew. Not even Lianne,Kelly,Jenny nor Sue-yi knew of this, it was something I wanted untouched by fate nor time. Something that I can hold without the blood stains of pain and hurt that was already plauging my life. I never knew I holded a huge part in Samantha's heart till recently, I always thought that I just helped Samantha reclaim what was suppose to be of her. Childhood Happiness. I stopped babysitting her after a whole year babysitting her. I dont know why I stopped, maybe because Samantha began to have alot of friends, I began to drown in my own torments, Jade had become very close to Samantha, I found myself having less and less strength, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, I felt I didnt want to touch Samantha with my blood stainned hands...yes...I stopped babysitting her when I hit 17...I started when I was 16 and stopped when I was 17...
At regular intervals I would receive an email from Samantha, telling me how she tries her best at school and the things she did. It was the cutest and most touching thing to receive her emails. I replied to my best extent. However I told Samantha that I was very busy with SPM and stuff sooner or later and Samantha maturity showed when she began to slow down her emails to me. But still ocassionally she sent one or two wishing me all the best wishes she could wish and she still told me touching things.
I lost contact with Samantha, as I fell prey to events happening in my life....
Jade called me about 2 weeks ago, she hid her tears and she told me, her father passed away on that very day. I was shocked and I felt no words could take nor comfort Jade...or myself. Jade kept the details short, and imediately she told me that Samantha wanted to speak to me. When I heard Samantha's voice, she was in tears, and she just called out to me "Bear Bear Kor Kor, please come see me please". Anyone would cry hearing her voice, even if you didnt know her, you would cry...
I went over as soon as I could, which was the following day. Her home had a dark gloomy feeling haunting it, as soon as I stepped into the house, I saw aunties and uncles around the guest hall, and they all looked at me, shook my hand, they knew me apparently, and as soon as I got to know a few of them, I went up to Samantha's room, she had kept herself inside her room crying the whole time, from the time I heard her voice till the moment I was standing outside her room, she was crying. When she saw me, she hugged me, and she kept crying. I couldnt do anything, but I hugged her back. I really could find no words to ease her pain...I myself had no faith in my heart...
She cried herself to sleep, the poor girl...and then Jade told me it was the first time she slept since their father passed away...while she slept on my shoulder, Samantha cried out in her sleep, "Daddy"...That hurted...and I dont need to tell you why...
When she woke up a few hours later, something touching happened, she was still sleepy, and while rubbing her eyes, she said "Bear Bear DADDY"...I think she confused me with her dad, but the Bear Bear part kinda holded back that idea...Pieaces of a puzzle not yet finish came to place in my mind...Samantha and Jade are to be placed under the care of one of their uncle and aunty. But something happened in between, apparently Jade told the whole family that Samantha seemed to only stop crying and to atleast not be sooo depressed when I was around her, it is quite a shock and something bold that I've never experianced before, even giving my vast life of memories...while we all were at the guest hall, we thought samantha was in her room, but she was standing on the staircase directly facing the guest hall. And the next thing that happened gave me alittle part of my soul back...she came up and hugged me...
It gave me a part of my soul back...and later, it was decided that I am to be a God-Brother to Samantha and Jade. And I glady accept that title, because it gives me the chance to protect what little smile a daughter has...
I am still going through life with Samantha and Jade, and I will write about them from time to time, but for now...I put a stop here...
I have no faith...No Strength...My life is still a wreck and a storm...painted with alot of darkness and blood, but I gainned a small put great part of my soul back with Samantha. She reminded me that blood can be washed away, storms will calm down, wrecks can be rebuild, darkness can fade and strength can be found again...a small part...but the only part a soul needs to rebuild and walk again...I found that part in Samantha, because if I do not have the faith, I dare not face Samantha and her grief...I think I finally truly understand how Jade feels when she told me 2 years ago that she wants to be someone that her father, mother and Jade can rely on...
I will write about my road with Samantha and Jade in the coming months...maybe...its a road of recovery...for all of us...if not for me...atleast for them...I swear it...
_______________________________________________________________
No Memories today...Sorry...
Well, I'm into my break from college, and I decided to finally take up driving, I attended the Malaysian laws for the road today, it was 5 freaking hours...but it was good...
Other than that, nothing else happened today...still breathing...
I take some time now to tell you why I didnt blog for quite some time...it is because I lack the strength to write my memories down...and within the past few days, I had to try and protect what little smile a daughter has left within herself.
I wish to dedicate this post to Samantha who is now, 8 years old. And Jade who is 15 years old today.
When I was younger, I used to take some jobs to earn some money, one job was babysitting. Now babysitting is kinda rare in Malaysia, if ya didnt know...but I did it. I enjoy the company of children, and maybe...just maybe I am blessed with a small gift of seeing joy in their eyes. To those who have children or have brothers and sisters who are much younger than you are, I know that sometimes they can get up on your nerves and they can really get outta hand, I had my share of mischeif and mayhem a child can cause, but always I seem to enjoy time and patience with them.
I have never came across a child I could not share a smile with...
Samantha is one of the children I babysat for a time when she was 6 years old. She has an older sister who then was 13. Samantha lost her mother when she was 4, her mother passed away of cancer, and now Samantha has lost her father, and she is only 8 years old. Her father also passed away of cancer. Her sister, Jade is trying very hard to be a big sister, and I can see the strength she shows everyday that she is someone beyond that of normal faith. I will tell you about all of this in my later writing within this post...
When Samantha was 6 she attended pre-school while her sister attended high school. Samantha would be home early but her father had to work, so I was hired to take care of Samatha during the evenings. Her father knew me because his friend's son was my close friend. By someway somehow, my close friend told his father that I was good with children, and he related it to his father and his father to Samantha's father...good job...what a world...
Samantha was a very quiet child, and it is not a secret to why. Having someone that young lose a mother can be destructive to a soul, what more...a soul of a child. I be-friended Jade, while I was babysitting Samantha for the first time or so, I didnt have much luck I thought in babysitting Samantha, she was a very very good girl, she already knew how to take care of herself very well. She didnt need most guidance nor pampering, and she was already very mature for her age.
Jade had told me then that Samantha has very independant. In school she had little friends, because she laughed very little and what more, talked very little. Her teachers in her school, tried to help her, but Samantha wasnt the type of child that had innocence in her anymore. She was not the type to just forget the pain she carried, and so, I think the teachers in her pre-school didnt help her much, rather couldnt help her much.
Jade herself was also quite independant, but she could control what pain she hid within herself. She had friends, and she seemed to be very much in control of her heart, it painned me to see Jade learn to have this strength to control her emotions at that young an age, no teenager should have to walk that kind of road. But I respected her, because she shared with her that she wanted to be someone that Samantha and her father could rely on in the absence of her mother. And that she knew in her heart her mother was watching over them. I cannot tell you how much I respect and admire Jade, someone like this, you only find in the movies and storybooks.
So I babysat Samantha, for a month. Sometimes her sister could come home from school, so I didnt babysat her all the time, but maybe 1 or 2 times a week, usually over Saturday or Friday. Over the course of the first month, I tried my best to babysit Samantha, but Samantha seemed to be able to take care of herself! and I didnt have to do anything really. So I thought that I wasnt really needed, so after a month I told Samantha's father that maybe my service isnt really needed, Jade eavesdropped on my conversation with her dad, and she told Samantha that I wasnt going to babysit her anymore. I thought it was good news to Samantha, because ya know...Samantha seemed to like being alone more than in anyone's company. That BACKFIRED.
Jade came up to me the next time I came over, which was to be the LAST time I came over to babysit Samantha, Jade purposely waited for me to arrive,she skipped her extra class or something like that on friday just to see me and she came up to be and told me something I never expected to hear. "Samantha told me that she doesnt want you to stop babysitting her, that she really likes you to keep on babysitting her" that was what Jade told me. And I was just dumb as a rock there, staring at her. I asked "huh? what?" Jade then told me that she eavesdropped on my conversation with her father and told Samantha of my quitting. Samantha immediately told her that she didnt want me to stop and that she liked me to babysit her. Boy...Samantha sure didnt show it...
Jade told me to ask Samantha herself, and I was like "huh? oh...urmm ok?". Then Jade rushed off the school, and so I entered the house...and I felt somekinda preassure on my heart, ya know...being nervous and all, when I saw Samantha, she looked at me and I looked at her...it was one of those cute awkard moments between and older person and a cute wise child. Samantha made the first move..."Are you leaving?"...I countered attack..."Do you want me to?"...she made the killer move...she shooked her head and said "no"...bare in FREAKING mind that she is only 6...yeah think about it...what a wonderful world...
Things changed between me and Samantha then, she began to open up to me more, she started talking to me, and I really meant talking. She wasnt sooo quiet anymore, she began to try and throw words to talk to me. I could see she was trying, and so I tried harder on my part. And as if pushing away rubble and dust, a friendship was born. One between an old bear and a young kitten. That was what she called me, Bear Bear Kor Kor, kor kor meaning brother. I called her Kitten Mui Mui. Mui Mui meaning little sister. Amazing things happened while I became close to Samantha, her sister would report that Samantha was slowly improving, that she was more cheerful, and more happy, and most touching of all, that she began to smile alot more.
I would do everything to make Samantha smile, be it walking some distance to get her ice-cream or reading stories to her. Jade told me that Samantha's favourite past-time was to listen to me read her stories. And when I read her stories I would really act out the scenes in her books, you gotta use your imagination for that one...
Things contienued for atime like this, while I hid this secret that I was babysitting Samantha from almost everyone I knew. Not even Lianne,Kelly,Jenny nor Sue-yi knew of this, it was something I wanted untouched by fate nor time. Something that I can hold without the blood stains of pain and hurt that was already plauging my life. I never knew I holded a huge part in Samantha's heart till recently, I always thought that I just helped Samantha reclaim what was suppose to be of her. Childhood Happiness. I stopped babysitting her after a whole year babysitting her. I dont know why I stopped, maybe because Samantha began to have alot of friends, I began to drown in my own torments, Jade had become very close to Samantha, I found myself having less and less strength, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, I felt I didnt want to touch Samantha with my blood stainned hands...yes...I stopped babysitting her when I hit 17...I started when I was 16 and stopped when I was 17...
At regular intervals I would receive an email from Samantha, telling me how she tries her best at school and the things she did. It was the cutest and most touching thing to receive her emails. I replied to my best extent. However I told Samantha that I was very busy with SPM and stuff sooner or later and Samantha maturity showed when she began to slow down her emails to me. But still ocassionally she sent one or two wishing me all the best wishes she could wish and she still told me touching things.
I lost contact with Samantha, as I fell prey to events happening in my life....
Jade called me about 2 weeks ago, she hid her tears and she told me, her father passed away on that very day. I was shocked and I felt no words could take nor comfort Jade...or myself. Jade kept the details short, and imediately she told me that Samantha wanted to speak to me. When I heard Samantha's voice, she was in tears, and she just called out to me "Bear Bear Kor Kor, please come see me please". Anyone would cry hearing her voice, even if you didnt know her, you would cry...
I went over as soon as I could, which was the following day. Her home had a dark gloomy feeling haunting it, as soon as I stepped into the house, I saw aunties and uncles around the guest hall, and they all looked at me, shook my hand, they knew me apparently, and as soon as I got to know a few of them, I went up to Samantha's room, she had kept herself inside her room crying the whole time, from the time I heard her voice till the moment I was standing outside her room, she was crying. When she saw me, she hugged me, and she kept crying. I couldnt do anything, but I hugged her back. I really could find no words to ease her pain...I myself had no faith in my heart...
She cried herself to sleep, the poor girl...and then Jade told me it was the first time she slept since their father passed away...while she slept on my shoulder, Samantha cried out in her sleep, "Daddy"...That hurted...and I dont need to tell you why...
When she woke up a few hours later, something touching happened, she was still sleepy, and while rubbing her eyes, she said "Bear Bear DADDY"...I think she confused me with her dad, but the Bear Bear part kinda holded back that idea...Pieaces of a puzzle not yet finish came to place in my mind...Samantha and Jade are to be placed under the care of one of their uncle and aunty. But something happened in between, apparently Jade told the whole family that Samantha seemed to only stop crying and to atleast not be sooo depressed when I was around her, it is quite a shock and something bold that I've never experianced before, even giving my vast life of memories...while we all were at the guest hall, we thought samantha was in her room, but she was standing on the staircase directly facing the guest hall. And the next thing that happened gave me alittle part of my soul back...she came up and hugged me...
It gave me a part of my soul back...and later, it was decided that I am to be a God-Brother to Samantha and Jade. And I glady accept that title, because it gives me the chance to protect what little smile a daughter has...
I am still going through life with Samantha and Jade, and I will write about them from time to time, but for now...I put a stop here...
I have no faith...No Strength...My life is still a wreck and a storm...painted with alot of darkness and blood, but I gainned a small put great part of my soul back with Samantha. She reminded me that blood can be washed away, storms will calm down, wrecks can be rebuild, darkness can fade and strength can be found again...a small part...but the only part a soul needs to rebuild and walk again...I found that part in Samantha, because if I do not have the faith, I dare not face Samantha and her grief...I think I finally truly understand how Jade feels when she told me 2 years ago that she wants to be someone that her father, mother and Jade can rely on...
I will write about my road with Samantha and Jade in the coming months...maybe...its a road of recovery...for all of us...if not for me...atleast for them...I swear it...
_______________________________________________________________
No Memories today...Sorry...
posted by 21stAngel at 6:14 AM
1 comments
